Screwed.edu
my being single is dangerous.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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