the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
