it wasn't lemon gatorade
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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