we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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