And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
