oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
