By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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