The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
