Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
