Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
