I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
