On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
