How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
