im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
