I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize