Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize