I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
