Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
