everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
