my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
NoShamevember. You game?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
