sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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