I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
