Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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