Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
did i walk over a car last night?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize