the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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