my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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