So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
