you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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