I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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