id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you would pick up someone in the library
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
