I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
