Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
