I think I won the penis lottery.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
