Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize