How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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