Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
