I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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