Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
