Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
