He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
