so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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