Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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