Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
