She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just threw up on my dentist
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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