every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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