yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize