I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
