my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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