Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize