You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
