I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
