you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
