If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
