She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
