im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
