awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
