on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
