Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
