i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sext me about skeletons
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
