so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize