well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
