Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
