So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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